Saturday, March 3, 2012

Slice of Life #3 – The Smell of Life

Again, 3 am. I'm struck by a familiar smell as I walk up the stairs for what's become a nightly ritual. What is it? It smells like band-aides? I realize it is the smell of life or death. A wave of sad gratitude washes over me, my stomach churns as a wave of nausea rises. I remember I used to hate that smell. It smelled sterile, like a hospital, the smell of dependence, unknown implications for the future. Tonight though, a different feeling quells my churning stomach. In my hand is the source of the odor, a little clear liquid. Liquid that balances in a drop on the very tip of the needle, like a bubble about to float away. I love that smell now, the smell of insulin means everything to me, as it means life for my little girl. Reaching the top of the stairs, I peek through her bedroom door and watch her sleep. I think how when she sleeps, she looks just like she did as a baby. I'm brought back to those middle of the night rendezvous with her. Leaning over and scooping her up out of the cradle right next to my bed, laying her in the crook of my arm and looking down on her little innocent face before a feeding. I remember life before diabetes. Sometimes I walk by pictures in the hall, of just a year ago, and I stop. I remember life before diabetes and I cry, but tonight – I'm grateful. I love that smell. As I close my eyes to breath it in, a guttural, aching groan escapes my chest. I love that smell now, it means life.

22 comments:

  1. Jennifer, this is very powerful. You really opened up to this community of writer/readers. Thank you for allowing us to read this amazing piece. I love how you turned something revolting to you into something wonderful. You show the resolve and power we have as human beings to adapt...especially for those we love.

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    1. It really just happened. I didn't realize how I came to really love this smell. It's actually cathartic to write about such a deep struggle. We've just come to have a new normal and when put into perspective, she's gonna be o.k. :) Thanks for sharing in my life!

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  2. Jen I find your slice heart wrenching and hopeful at the same time. You unfolded your story bit by bit and had me right there with you. Thank you for sharing such a personal moment.

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  3. Jen thank you for sharing such a personal story. From a writing perspective, I found it captivating how you told your feelings through the sense of smell. Your story dripped with sadness, love, and acceptance.

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  4. It is clear that your little girl is a very lucky one...so much love, understanding and compassion...and acceptance woven into one package...she'll be just fine...:)

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  5. Your writing brought tears to my eyes, I am having a hard time typing. This was incredibly told. My heart reaches out to you. Your writing shows your incredible strength. The phrase "before diabetes" haunts me.

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    1. Your post is making me cry. I can talk about how she's doing now just fine, but when I remember back to when it all happened I just can't stop the wave of emotion coming over me. Thanks for getting it!

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  6. What a powerful slice - thank you for sharing this with us. I love the way you reflected on life before diabetes, but celebrated the source of health for your daughter now. One of my sixth graders was diagnosed at the very beginning of the school year - so I feel like I understand a tiny bit of your experience. It is a journey, and your daughter is so lucky to have YOU to hold her hand and find a way.

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  7. We never really know when we find something unasked-for is something we are so grateful for, do we? I hope that by sharing you find more support for such a challenge. Our hearts are so tied to our children and even now, with grown children, my heart lurches when something touches them. I hear your 'if only's' when you look back, but also your gratitude for that little vial is powerful and hopeful. Thank you for reminding us to be grateful every day for what we have.

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  8. Jen, I just started following you & re-read the recent posts. I didn't see that first one so wanted to thank you for linking to my post. I hope you love this community; I already have enjoyed hearing what you have to say, about writing, about life. Thanks!

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  9. Jen,
    Wow, I have goosebumps. Our children are so important, and this post grabs my heart.
    Incredible post - thanks for letting us peek into your life.
    Chris

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  10. I often talk about how thankful I am to live in this day and age. Yes, I love reading about medieval times, and I glory in the tales of ancient Rome. But really, modern science and medicine has blessed us.

    Thank you for a touching peek into your life. Hang in there!

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  11. A vivid description... I could smell the smell. I could see you reaching the top of the stairs and peeking in at your daughter. I felt your emotion of love. Thanks for sharing.

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  12. "It means life." Your post tugs at my heart. The before and after scenario makes the moment so meaningful. Thanks for sharing. You have spurred an idea for a post, something I have never written about but definitely have a story. I will link this post to mine in the next few days. My daughter, 14 at the time, went through two kidney surgeries. She's fine now, but thinking of the before still chokes me up. I look forward to reading more of your posts. MaryHelen

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  13. What a heart-capturing detail to tell this story through- a smell. My niece was recently diagnosed with diabetes. So, I found your story personally moving as well. Your words are powerful, as are the emotions behind them. Thank you for sharing!

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  14. Isn't it incredible - the power of a smell to link to memories and emotions. You paint a powerful picture of this moment in your life and all that links to it. Thank you for sharing it.

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  15. Your story had me captivated - I was walking and smelling right along side of you. We can thank God for the gift of life and your ability to care for your child. God bless you and your daughter.

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  16. Jen, the writing in this piece is breathtakingly beautiful. Like lots of other commenters, I felt like I was right there with you, climbing the stairs, smelling the smells…you really captured the experience for us. Thanks for this glimpse into your life…

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  17. This packs a wallop, Jen. Do you subscribe to any magazine or web group where you might publish this? It could stay as is or serve as a lead or part of a larger article.

    So excited to see you participating in this challenge - maybe you could do something similar in your district someday!!

    a.

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    1. That means a lot! I did suggest the idea of SOLC to parents after a parent writing night we had last week (I talked about that in my first post) and linked it to parent resources on our website. I would love to get our teacher on the bandwagon. I've mentioned it to some and put in on my facebook page. We'll see - slow & steady!

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  18. Wow Jen. So touching. I, too, had goosebumps. Thanks for sharing such a big piece of your life.

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  19. Gripping... "before diabetes" also got me. I love the way this unfolded - I found myself questioning and not being able to read fast enough to comfort myself about how the unknown was going to become known.

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